Hesitation of Capacity isn’t about fear of failure — rather self-doubt over personal ability to deal with the unknown.
Recently I have been thinking about failure.
What it takes to fail — or at least feel like you are going to fail?
I realize my hesitation isn’t really about failure.
My hesitation is over capacity.
Like am I enough? Do I know enough? Am I able to do enough?
Sometimes I feel that I am not enough. That I do not have the necessary information or qualifications required.
Other times, my capacity issue is the feeling that I am too much. That I will overwhelm or be embarrassingly noticed for being too whatever.
Both of these concerns seem to turn the awareness of inner capacity into measurable volumes.
This might be relevant if my inner capacity was a linear, measurable something.
Instead, the reality of my inner capacity is that it is beyond measure.
Sure, I could probably quantify all that I know and have learned.
But when you stop and think, you realize that your capacity is beyond measure because of that something unnameable that is part of your ability to think, feel, be aware — in short, your ability to live.
The unnameable something which shows up in various moments.
For example, I know that hesitation can creep in when I consider doing a project.
My hesitation isn’t specifically over failing.
My hesitation is about my capacity — do I have what I need to succeed?
The reality is that I’m worried about the 10% — the unnameable.
In any project, I can usually feel really comfortable with taking care of 90% of the project.
Between past experience and current awareness, I can get myself through 90% without trouble.
Because 90% is what I can anticipate and plan for.
The other 10% is the inherent unknown in any situation.
Because it is unknown, I can’t be 100% certain.
Perhaps I’ll be just fine. Perhaps I’ll be able to accommodate whatever might arise.
Perhaps it will be the 10% that is beyond my capacity.
A Side Step, A Tangent
When I was just beginning junior high school, I took sewing lessons during the summer.
A great friend of my Mom was an amazing seamstress.
When she found out that I was learning to sew, she offered me some advice.
“Cheryl, the key to sewing is knowing that you will never think of everything. Eventually you will get to a point within any project and you’ll hit something you hadn’t anticipated. A good seamstress will work herself through and not let the block hold her back.”
Success doesn’t come from what you know.
Success comes from how you get yourself through what is unknown.
My friend was telling me about the 10% and what to do when the inevitable appeared.
The inevitable is the 10% — is the unknown — is the unnameable within me.
In other words, my hesitation is over my inherent capacity to deal with the unnameable of me and the unknown of anything I attempt.
The spark which ignites my capacity beyond a nameable quantity comes from the unknown inherent within me and inherent within all moments of life.
I’m not looking to figure out the 10% ahead of time or holding myself back because the 10% exists.
Instead I need to bring trust to the foreground of my awareness.
Instead of debating whether I am enough or too much, I need to know that just as I am, I am all that I need.
The release of hesitation comes in acknowledging that whatever the 10% might be, when the time comes I will have what I need to accomplish and complete.
If I can remember that the 10% will always be there, then I can also remember that I have the inherent capacity needed.
Even if that capacity is asking for assistance, or consulting a dictionary, or Googling for a how-to video.
I can find a solution for the 10%. I can explore. I can learn. I can find a solution when necessary.
This means that I am always enough and hesitation is not required.
This also means that when I am feeling into my capacity, I can follow the unknown with anticipation.
I can explore and learn and step past hesitation and fear into the great unknown.
I have lost my hesitation.
I trust my capacity to take on the 10% and the unknown.
Hesitation of Capacity is one of many articles available in my archive of Mindful Moments.