I Am a Work in Progress

Today I feel myself dealing with my sense of status quo, what’s “normal” or “average” and feeling like I don’t want to be bound by any of it. Nothing feels normal or average or in alignment with the status quo.

For example, Event A happens in my life. Partly during, and mostly after, I have awareness of myself within the event, what drove me, what assumptions, expectations, or beliefs came into play. I think to myself, “Well, this part worked and this part didn’t. So in the future, I will do this differently and while I’m at it I’ll let go of this no-longer-helpful belief and this hurtful idea. Next time, I’ll try to show up for myself this way and that.” I feel relief, I feel hope, I feel lighter having the awareness and making the choices.

Then another event comes along which looks like Event A. “Oh goody!” I think to myself. “I know what to do!” I start off down the road without the previous baggage and guess what happens? Event B is its own thing. Why? Because I am different. I am not the same person as I was in Event A. Yes, still some good learning from Event A, but now it is time to learn from Event B whatever it is that needs to come from Event B. The moment still requiring me to be present to me in this moment of Event B.

One friend suggested I check to see if the feelings in my head match the feelings in my body to lean into truth. For me, truth has always been a feeling of resonance or balance or alignment felt at center and in my heart. But I get what she is suggesting: alignment between body and mind is important.

I check in with mind. She is saying, “WTF? I’m not sure how to respond.” While my body is feeling a bit alienated and not all me and yet feels balanced and with me. Mixed signals. My heart knows my yearnings. My heart says this is a moment for risk, for stepping into the unknown. For laying down what doesn’t work and just be ok with what I feel. Forget Event A and just be with yourself in this moment without any consideration of status quo, normal, or average. See you. Feel you. Now BE you.

Connection. That feeling of wanting to feel alignment within all connection within me and with all around me. And being aware that there are hitches in the connections in some places. And that’s what’s testing my sense of safety and rightness in the world.

Problem identified. Now I think I will sit with this a bit and see what appears on my horizon.

Everything I need moves towards me quickly and easily.

Even when I feel like there are discordant motions in the waves around me and in me.

I will seek out my path of least resistance while letting go of whatever it is that is in discord in this moment. I don’t need to have conscious identity of the whatever. Just the awareness that I can trust myself to do whatever I need to do to let whatever move on. It’s no longer needed.

Within honesty, I can feel that this didn’t “solve” the whole she-bang. But that’s ok. I am a work in progress.



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