Energy Story of Blind Production : At full strength, Blind Production holds personal awareness hostage so that a person will struggle to feel any sense of self-identity or self-worth. To help understand the deeper layers of Blind Production, I have written this story from the personal perspective of total submersion within Blind Production and how the self begins to release the belief of worthlessness. This energy story responds to the question: Where Do I Begin?
I began as something that was almost nothing. Like a speck without value, I am insignificant in the flow of the greater whole.
In my insignificance, I still maintain a sense that if I work hard, I will transform into a being of worth. But in this moment, I don’t know how or what will prove my worth. I’m not confident that I can succeed because there is much about me that is severely lacking or, at least, so say those around me
Like anyone, I want my existence to matter, to share connection, to love without reservation. Though I would want deepest connection, I have no control over others and their actions or choices.
Within my awareness is the strong belief that to break out of this insignificance and this worthlessness, I need to prove to the outside, and to me, that I matter. They will see my value and bring me into the fold, so I am not alone, isolated, or unprotected.
Perhaps connection is the answer. Perhaps with connection I will be seen, validated, and approved.
As I think on me, I recognize I am not entirely nothing. I am someone’s child, someone’s partner, someone’s parent, and someone’s friend. I will be defined through these connections, doing for them, ignoring me. To establish and maintain these connections, I have learned the required behaviors and goals. To prove my worth, I give up myself to other’s happiness, to other’s satisfaction, to others’ greedy need for me to be absent.
However, in this push for connection, I see I was convinced self-absence was the proper path to prove my worth. I tried this self-denial to prove that I deserve the moniker of decent human being. I thought doing for other first and denying myself would make my case. But from within this desperately-trying-to-prove human being, the direction for proof is unknown, frustrating, difficult to navigate. Nothing I do satisfies. Nothing proves my worth.
If proof is the only currency which purchases my worth, who am I?
Who must I pay to gain title to me?
I take a step back….
Pause.
Breathe.
Instead of relying on the opinions of others, I take a peek inside my mind and my heart.
A question steps forward:
Who am I when I am present to me?
First, I look around me. I notice that many of those also-absent someones around me are neither friendly nor supportive of the presence of me. Their connection with me is false and driven by a greedy agenda of their own desire. Their demanding attitudes make it clear that their happiness depends on my absence and on my self-denial. They extoll the idea that inner absence equals worth only to convince me that my worth can only emerge if I make them happy.
Maybe I should return to absence?
No.
I can no longer bear the self-denial of self-absence.
Instead, I look further within me and feel a shift begin to open within an old wound.
In the effort of trying to be insignificant and deny self, I remember my key trait was numbness. I was wind-blown, leaving worthy questions to be answered by those greedy ones who seemed to dress worth up in all its many shades of deceit. They passively indicated what was best for me.
Like a bullet in contra-coup collision, insignificance and worthlessness ricochet, creating doubt where my desire is worthiness. In giving up self, I thought I would find worthiness. Instead I feel empty and cheated, without any sense of clarity or understanding of what direction a valued life can take.
Again, I stop. I consider a different pathway where I release the self-judgment I have adopted because of outer pressure. I release the pressure to conform, to be less than, to put the desires of others ahead of my own.
Because neither my heart nor my mind appreciates self-denial, letting go of this habit of diminishing myself has a surprising chain of events. Presence returns to my head. Awareness begins to peek out from my heart.
Yet, the first of me-presence is sticky, hard to navigate. A land without map. A journey without clear destination. Honestly, I feel nervous and uncertain. Where do I go? What do I do?
Now that I’m no longer absent to me, does me-presence mean I’m alone? I’m not sure how to share me without being absent. How will I survive with all of me? Especially a me that I’m just getting to know.
But I can learn. I am willing to explore. I’m willing to move beyond the pain of not being fully me.
Now, when I dream at night, I see planes and cars. I see passports and tickets. I see traveling companions. Most importantly, I believe, I see the horizon. I see a road going beyond the horizon into the unknown.
Me-present loves the open road. I love the breeze blowing lightly across my face as invitation to explore and learn. My worry, held within my absence, melts. Light from within me points toward that far-away horizon where I will become more me than I am now.
From within comes the awareness of a me that is worthy, a me who loves and connects, a me who treasures connection without self-absence.
In this moment, I am me – a being of worth, an expression of value. I matter. Within this awareness, I feel the push for proof extinguish itself as no longer relevant, no longer me. I see the horizon and feel my being in this moment and my path of becoming always intrinsically worthy, always inherently me.
This is the energy story of Blind Production and is part of the writing I have done for my next book, To Do Your Work. To read other excerpts, go here.