I wrote this about a year ago at Easter:
There are moments when the feeling of being alone reaches down into the tail end of my spine with a soreness of too much exertion.? I take a long, slow, deep breath to calm my BEing.? But before I can respond the sensation hits my heart and single tears trace paths down my cheeks.? In part, I am reminded of moments past shared with families no longer here.? Last Easter Sunday a trip through my grocery store ignited these lonely feelings.
I felt me in my new Easter Sunday dress and white patent leather Mary Janes skipping with my sister on a sunny Sunday morning in Dallas with my Grandfather and Grandmother.? My Dad was taking pictures and my Mom held my newest little sister in her arms as my sister and I searched for hidden treasure and colored eggs.? And I blinked and the scene changed to me watching my daughter caught in her own delight of searching for treasure.? The connection with these people is still held tenderly in my heart though some are no longer here.
My current here is just me, by myself.? There is so much that I am thankful for, so many who I hold in highest regard and love from the depths of my Being.? And yet . . . . .
As I sit in my car, my shopping complete, I feel the soreness of my loneliness gather within.? My face is wet and I feel silly sitting there with emotion washing through me.? Yet also clearly aware that there is no one in my life for whom I am first.? And, so clearly, I want to be first for Him and he for me.
My initial impulse is to simply let go of the strong soaring emotion.? To go into my mind and reason myself past my feelings.? It is hard to admit my want, my desire because I don’t feel needy.? I don’t want a partner to fix something or finish something.? I want a partner to fill the empty space that is naturally in my life because I am able, and willingly so, to acknowledge my desire to share my life with another.
I take a look at this loneliness of mine.? I feel it clearly, acknowledging its initial tendency to feel unwanted, depressing, and, well….needy.? But instead of trying to ignore it, I decide to dip into my heart fully and intentionally, without reserve.? In my heart I can shine light on these feelings in hope of glimpsing a different point of view.? Within my heart, the light, at first timid, floats in and tenderly caresses the sore parts and the hurting thoughts.? Slowly my view shifts and the loneliness moves along a path until my feelings are held in a golden light of heart expansion, flashing to me a new perspective.?
And without hesitation I see something brand new.? In this new view I see within myself another clear awareness:? There’s a gap!? A delay!? Now I can understand my feelings as simply the awareness that he is not yet here.? This Him, this focus of my desire for partnership, is approaching — my dreams fulfilled!? I am just simply aware of the energetic delay.?
And from this point of view, my tears make so much sense.? There is so much beauty in the idea that memories of the ones I love help me find within me the connection of the Him I will love.? I am not alone.? He simply is not here . . . . yet!