Party of One

I’ve done something really huge for myself.

I’ve put me first.

Usually, I defer to other, giving them the benefit of the doubt.

I’m not saying that I shouldn’t seek to understand.

No. I’m saying that my default position is to give up on what I want in the face of trouble on the other side.

I seek balance and mutual understanding. I get that there are times when the other side is so overloaded that return is difficult or near impossible.

Thus, when I don’t get return on my seeking for understanding, I immediately take all on, let go of what is important for me, excuse the other side. Why? Because, I think my **OLD** belief was that the other side is more important than me and that I thus needed to give up self for us to exist. Which is a belief that I’m no longer willing to tolerate as guiding truth. Nope. Been there, done that, grossly ugly T-shirt.

I wake up at 5 AM, tears running down my face, and I recognize the feeling of twisting in the wind, alone, and not knowing even after seeking understanding. I realize I’m at the precipice of choice. Yes, the other side is involved in turmoil. AND me, too. Turmoil, frustration, sadness, worry, anger.

Visions of standing in this place before beginning to play. Watching myself make decisions to let their turmoil be more important than mine. Which is my bad.

Now I see before me a different path: my feelings and my desires. I choose me. Here’s my feelings, my thoughts, my experience. I claim me because that’s my job — and a job for no one else but me.

I’m so sad because I don’t want it to end. Yet I realize that if I show up to party of two and I’m the only one present – regardless of the reasons why – there truly is no party. I’m trying to hold a nothing together by giving up me. The futility is heartbreaking.

I take a step back. I say my feelings, my experience. I wish the other side the very best and I do my best to leave the door open and not burn bridges. Different choices on both sides are possible. I live my life in possibility.

AND I know my life begins and ends with me first choosing the possibility of me. That’s where my party begins. Hopefully in my clarity the other side might find the possibility within to bring his party to mine.

In the meantime, I haven’t given myself up for nothing.


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