She Pauses

Everything is Energy. Energy is always in motion. The flow of receiving in. The flow of giving out. The eternal flow in and out.

And within the in and the out, there is a pause, a moment of stillness which is neither in nor out. Yet filled with the infinite and the eternal. In this pause is truth and balance. In this pause is me, myself of truth, the truth of myself.

In a theoretical sense, none of this is unknown to me. Yet this week I have had a profound inner experience of this pause.

For several weeks now I have had an intense urge to go to see the full moon rise on this past Wednesday. I searched high and low for company because I felt I could not go alone. Everywhere I looked, I could not find someone to go with me. I felt such despair because I did not want — no, in fact, I felt I could not go alone to the high secluded place I wanted to go.

SaddleMountain_June2015-300x155Tuesday, I woke so wrapped in this disappointment, tears leaked and I struggled to find peace within me. What gives? I thought to myself. What has me so upset? The day before I had enjoyed an amazing hike. Up the face of a peak above tree line, steep trails covered with wire mesh to keep feet firmer on the gravelly path and me with trekking poles for the very first time. Then 24 hours later I am an emotional mess. Mmmmmm…..

I sought support from a friend and my other people. We discussed the flow of energy as I described in the opening. And I found I didn’t want to step into the stillness. And as they then pointed out, when I come to the pause through my spiritual awareness, I have no trouble in the stillness. I stand there daily for myself and for others. I am comfortable, even eager, for the peace and solitude I find in this space. But when I approach from a physical point of view, I am so fearful I essentially refuse to enter the pause.

I sat with myself trying to see this fear, this intense worry, this body-freezing concern. Very timidly, this fear quickly flashed her concern: a very strong fear of physical harm. Or more specifically, a powerful body-felt fright of rape. In other words, I did not want to go to a dark secluded place because I was in terror of physical harm. To control my physical environment and protect myself from harm, I would not step into the stillness, not even to fulfill a deeply held desire.

I could feel how choked I felt. I could easily recognize the feelings having encountered them in various ways often in my life. And I immediately saw that holding this fear was something I wanted to let go of now if I could. My teachers showed me how.

In the last couple of months I have been learning that there is not true separation between physical and spiritual. What I bring to one, I bring to the other. If I can stand in the stillness through my spiritual side, I can learn to do so in my physical being as well. And I saw that the moon had been drawing me out, forward to encounter this pause, this stillness with her.

Wednesday, the night of the full moon, I brought myself to a tall mountain and sat by myself in the light of the full moon in a huge clearing filled with knee high grass. I brought in me as peaceful spiritual being and me as newly-found peaceful physical being and felt these Me-s merge in the fullness of the moon. A peace quietly came to me. And in my receiving from her, I paused.

I immersed in the fullness of me. I met me without fear, worry or concern. I was in that moment physically safe, all alone in the lighted darkness. Yet I was not alone. The moon in her fullness, Venus rising over my shoulder, and me. Sufficient in the moment. Profoundly grateful. Blessed. By the light of the moon. By the balance and truth of me.

Maybe the fear of physical safety is mostly a female concern in this world of ours. Yet now that I can recognize the absence of a bodily-felt fear held since the early days of my life, it is also hard to describe the power and wonder of this fear’s absence. I feel I can go anywhere, do anything by myself. And I know that I haven’t often ever felt that way.

I get the stillness and there is no fear there. Subtle shift with profound implications.

In the Eternal Return of give and receive, I found the stillness and the powerful truth of me. I receive. I give. I pause. Elated. Safe. Self-sufficient. Me.


Moon_long

Venus rising
And the Moon in her fullness
I rise to the receiving
Ready to bring all of me
To the stillness of me.

Now is the time
To salute the giving
To herald the adventure
of a new ME.

The Moon in her fullness
ME loving me.
And I care not the solitude
I love but the quiet
Of me in my fullness
happy with all of me.

 



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