When I was 12, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I knew instinctively what I wanted: Prince Charming on his white steed whisking me away. This response always got a laugh.
Now when I think of my reply, as a grownup, I instinctively get what I didn’t understand then. I was looking for relief. I desired the safety for release. Then I felt a burden that at least in part, I still carry.
I learn, I grow, I let go, I expand. Then I repeat, whittling away at the heaviness, releasing the baggage, letting the layers of my onion loosen, learning to lighten my load.
Now in this moment, I feel the lingering desire for the space to let go. I’m not talking about letting go of responsibility for myself, nor am I referring to rejecting my power. Instead, my focus turns to my learned state of hypervigilance. The constant push to take care, to watch out, to stand guard. This is what I want to let go. This is where I want relief. This is what I know I wanted from Prince Charming.
And maybe I still do.
Living alone. I have done so much for myself, stepping into a greater sense of balance, capable of sustaining my life on all levels, body, mind, heart, and soul. There is a joy and peace within forming the foundation of my experience which I know was absent from my life ten years ago.
Yet, I also sense the habit of vigilance, the charge to self to be aware, to always be deeply attentive so that the expected and the unexpected do not catch me off guard and bring me to my knees in submission to that which destroys my capacity for self-determination.
I’m aware of the motions in my early life, which began and instilled my vigilance. I see the beginnings of my warrior princess stance: the need to harness power to self-protect, the acumen to see around corners and into the future, the best of me in service to extreme forms of protective defense.
In partnership, I sense the possibilities of relief. My ability to lay down my shield and my sword – unneeded in the presence of him, my Prince Charming. Not because I have given myself up but because I am learning the current mode of operation where lonely hypervigilance is transformed into shared exchange. Not domination, but power between equals. Not subjugation, but space to be aware of my life and assess its possibilities outside of the push of fear, beyond the specter of hurt and harm.
In the consideration, I also find a new path not seen before. Prince Charming is also an aspect of me, this warrior queen. Whatever the status of partnership in my life, I can find relief in the awareness of alignment between the part of me trained in vigilance and the part of me learning comfort in my own power of self-determination.
I can integrate these two aspects so that my moment-to-moment experience of life exists within the peace and balance of powerful journey of my being and becoming.
I can feel Prince Charming here with me joining hands with my warrior queen. Together, with me, joined not in fight, but in assured acceptance that control is not needed in the face of trust. Together in this moment, mindful of truth, peaceful in approach, happily joined in the lively pursuit of life, lived in laughter, love and, learning.