Hello!
It's been a fun couple of weeks. I have made excellent progress on the huge index I am creating of all of my writing and work over the last 15-20 years. Though it is somewhat AI-driven, the databases that hold all the information run entirely local on my computer. And while I am definitely not a coder, I have been spending lots of time at the systems prompt constructing scripts to help me pull the unusual and the innovative from everything I've ever penned or spoken. Literally a dream come true.
In the process I have had lots more time to contemplate the meaning of life. And especially the kind of life I want to create and hold for myself. While driving is a great spot for deep thought, I don't have to have a whizzing countryside to see anew.
As I have mentioned, I have really spent a lot of my focus on overwhelm. Specifically what do I do that has the unerring tendency to burn me out. More recently, the focus of my concern has been me. While family demands can certainly inhale more than their fair share, I can see that part of the way I make my way through both the anger and the sadness that my family has wrought within me has been to make demands on myself. And to some extent that planning lots to do is its own diversion some days especially when my deeply held, true heart's desire is for something else.
In looking back over the last couple of months, I think there was a specific reason I had this somewhat misguided idea back in October and November that after a break I would go back to what was. The reason was that I was suffering from inner disconnection in order to try to find some sanity within the crazy. I wasn't powered on all cylinders simply because many cylinders were gone and I was recalibrating with new ones. The crazy had me disconnecting from myself and hoping to find completion in a couple of chocolate chip cookies.
Regrettably, I can see that this was a pattern that I had floated into at different points in my life. I can look back now and feel the disconnect within – like a fly on a wall, I can see that I was flailing. And I do this flailing amazingly well: quiet on the outside, damn breaking, life flooding, head banging, heart silent with shock on the inside.
I can see I grew up within the expectation that the outside of self should always present as quiet, well-mannered, and super organized. I must not give off even the slightest hint that I was not coping or that I couldn't take the overload. And while I know I have a level of resiliency within me now – a lot of the resiliency early on was faked because I didn't feel I had any other choice than to smile, show a stiff upper lip, and ignore the inner plea for relief.
And the amount of overwhelm that has built up within me is considerable. Like it's very hard for me to not offer a ton because inside I'm worried that a ton will not do, will not be accepted, will not ever be enough. But I have no other option than to do the ton.
And yes, over the last couple of months I have communicated about this expression of overwhelm. And every time I made a decision about my life, my work, and myself, I considered these patterns and these habits and the ways that are about me hanging on and not really about me thriving. It's a weird sensation to realize that some of my strengths are what get in the way. Like if I'm tired, it's not a crime to stop, take a break, find some comfort. If I'm feeling overwhelmed this isn't failure, it is me trusting the felt sense of my truth.
And the ebb and flow over the last couple of weeks has had me thinking about taking time to do what makes me happy.
I love teaching and sharing what I find with all of you – really with any one who will listen! And I realize that I have been promising more time than I have – more time than I can actually manage without pushing myself into the burnout of too much.
Thus as April begins, I have re-arranged my teaching schedule. I have narrowed my focus to what I can reasonably sustain. I am aiming for quality over quantity and for depth over making do.
Five classes a month plus two – maybe three – practicums.
A new name for the intensive/immersion: Akashic Records Depth Studies.
And an empowered choice to keep all classes that I do to Wednesday.
Part of me thinks that I need to ask for forgiveness for asking you to pivot once again.
And another part of me thinks it's not really an ask as much as it is an alignment.
We are not were we were back in October or November. We have all shifted and changed, releasing our own buckets of goo.
And so here we are a community witnessing life. A community which gets my heart. A community that exists even when life jerks and disconnection may seem imminent.
I will have more in a couple of days. And Linda will be sending out email tomorrow as she has been doing. Hint: think class on Wednesday.
Oh, and I probably should say, I decided to take this moment to shift to a new scheduling program. Go to your student dashboard. I've updated all scheduling links in line with the newness. Even have new confirmation emails.
Look forward to seeing you Wednesday!
In Joy!
Cheryl
PS – I will have a new Akashic Records book coming out some time in the next 8 weeks. More details to come!